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Masturbation Happens While Thinking of Being Alone Masturbating

July 13, 2011 - From PoliticalSubversities.com

            In his loud and cramped apartment, Marcus Taylor, 46, spent roughly two-thirds of his daily masturbation thinking about masturbating in some peace and quiet.  Taylor opted to forgo his usual fantasy of former WWF woman pioneer and Playboy model, Sable.  Instead he chose to think about a time when he might be able to spend 20 minutes all to himself without the distractions his wife, kids or neighbors usually provide, and masturbate.  “I’m not an ego maniac or anything, I just think me all by myself is arousing – damn it that came out wrong,” said a flustered Taylor at Poker Night.  According to Taylor, he's not thinking about himself, he's thinking about the situation - so it's not gay.  His wife was unavailable for comment because she was taking her usual 2-hour bath.

Very Hot Girl Gives Fucking Crazy Advice To Not Hot Girl

July 4, 2011 - From PoliticalSubversities.com

(Los Angeles, CA)  Tessa Levin, a former model and Miss Teen Illinois, 23, reportedly gave advice to her female coworker that can only described as “bat shit fucking crazy.”   Jessica Hayes, the co-worker aforementioned, is a frumpy but not un-pretty 28 year-old with a string of failed relationships.  Yesterday, after a brief discussion in which Hayes was found by Levin in the bathroom crying, Levin took it upon herself to go up to Hayes’ desk and give her all of her “secrets.”  Unaware that her ability to have command in relationships is because of her abnormally good looks and large bust, Levin started describing what she believes makes her relationships work.  “You fuck on the first date.  Always.  That’s how you get your power,” said Levin to general astonishment to both male and female fellow employees in the vicinity.  Levin proceeded to speak on many fucking crazy things such as pity lays, vacationing together in the first month of dating and letting the relationship status be unnamed for as long as possible.  As of press time, Hayes had four too-many daiquiris and stumbled getting into her abusive ex-boyfriend’s truck.  Levin nodded proudly after making the call to the ex, saying, “she just needs some good pick-me-up sex.”

“That Dog Is Not A Human!” Shouts Your Girlfriend Because Dog Doesn’t Like Her

May 22, 2011 - From PoliticalSubversities.com

            As you were jogging in the park with your dog Scout, your girlfriend Ashley Smith gave in to her jealousy that Scout, and not Ashley Smith, is man’s best friend. While at a ladies brunch she reportedly sighed with frustration, “He thinks that goddamn dog is a human but it's not!”  Further reports indicate this welling frustration has caused Smith to question her choice to move in with you even though she has not made one attempt to win Scout’s affection by buying him chew toys or his favorite treat, Snausages.  In her defense you have perhaps exacerbated her frustration by letting Scout eat at the dinner table with you and having him drink only Disani water. Perhaps because you never forgave her for slapping him on the nose that first time he sniffed her.  As of press time, when you muttered “bitch” it was unclear whether it was about your girlfriend or the female dog you were letting Scout fuck.

You'll Always Be In My Heart, Genetically.

May 8, 2011 - From PoliticalSubversities.com

Dear Mom,

I am just writing this to let you know that you’ll always be in my heart, genetically.  Oh, 24 years ago, when you imparted half of my DNA upon me, I don’t know how to thank you for those strands – much like the dinosaurs of Jurassic Park thank Dr. Hammond for the DNA; I, too, shall run wild in this world until you have to leave on a helicopter - metaphorical or literal.

And the gifts!  Thank you so much for the gifts you’ve given me – 23 chromosomes.  I wouldn’t be myself without them.

I also wouldn’t be who I am without you acting on the hormonal love you felt from our bodies once being one, creating a bond that deemed it necessary to raise me for the subsequent 18 years. 

And most of all, thank you for the womb, Mom!

Happy Mother’s Day

Love,
Matt

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