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"I Don't Get Social Secuwity?"

August 14, 2011 - From PoliticalSubversities.com

By Jason Brightman (4 years old) I love my dog! I love my gewbil! It's not a wat it's a gewbil! And I love that when I'm oldew, I'm still going to be able to take cawe of the them even though I'll be old. The govewnment will still help me- What? Weally? Whoa whoa whoa. Lemme get this stwait. I don’t get Social Secuwity? But, but, but...why? Suwely you've wealized that we need Social Secuwity, right? Oh...you get that? Gweat. What? What do you mean the system is cwashing as the yeaws go on? Suwely if the system is unsustainable we have a best and bwightest minds on fixing it. WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO ONE IS FIXING IT?!?! What awe you adults doing all day? Gwanted, yes, I’m only “this many” yeaws old, but I know that this impowtant! My dog and my gewbil need me - what will they do without me?

Masturbation Happens While Thinking of Being Alone Masturbating

July 13, 2011 - From PoliticalSubversities.com

            In his loud and cramped apartment, Marcus Taylor, 46, spent roughly two-thirds of his daily masturbation thinking about masturbating in some peace and quiet.  Taylor opted to forgo his usual fantasy of former WWF woman pioneer and Playboy model, Sable.  Instead he chose to think about a time when he might be able to spend 20 minutes all to himself without the distractions his wife, kids or neighbors usually provide, and masturbate.  “I’m not an ego maniac or anything, I just think me all by myself is arousing – damn it that came out wrong,” said a flustered Taylor at Poker Night.  According to Taylor, he's not thinking about himself, he's thinking about the situation - so it's not gay.  His wife was unavailable for comment because she was taking her usual 2-hour bath.

Very Hot Girl Gives Fucking Crazy Advice To Not Hot Girl

July 4, 2011 - From PoliticalSubversities.com

(Los Angeles, CA)  Tessa Levin, a former model and Miss Teen Illinois, 23, reportedly gave advice to her female coworker that can only described as “bat shit fucking crazy.”   Jessica Hayes, the co-worker aforementioned, is a frumpy but not un-pretty 28 year-old with a string of failed relationships.  Yesterday, after a brief discussion in which Hayes was found by Levin in the bathroom crying, Levin took it upon herself to go up to Hayes’ desk and give her all of her “secrets.”  Unaware that her ability to have command in relationships is because of her abnormally good looks and large bust, Levin started describing what she believes makes her relationships work.  “You fuck on the first date.  Always.  That’s how you get your power,” said Levin to general astonishment to both male and female fellow employees in the vicinity.  Levin proceeded to speak on many fucking crazy things such as pity lays, vacationing together in the first month of dating and letting the relationship status be unnamed for as long as possible.  As of press time, Hayes had four too-many daiquiris and stumbled getting into her abusive ex-boyfriend’s truck.  Levin nodded proudly after making the call to the ex, saying, “she just needs some good pick-me-up sex.”

“That Dog Is Not A Human!” Shouts Your Girlfriend Because Dog Doesn’t Like Her

May 22, 2011 - From PoliticalSubversities.com

            As you were jogging in the park with your dog Scout, your girlfriend Ashley Smith gave in to her jealousy that Scout, and not Ashley Smith, is man’s best friend. While at a ladies brunch she reportedly sighed with frustration, “He thinks that goddamn dog is a human but it's not!”  Further reports indicate this welling frustration has caused Smith to question her choice to move in with you even though she has not made one attempt to win Scout’s affection by buying him chew toys or his favorite treat, Snausages.  In her defense you have perhaps exacerbated her frustration by letting Scout eat at the dinner table with you and having him drink only Disani water. Perhaps because you never forgave her for slapping him on the nose that first time he sniffed her.  As of press time, when you muttered “bitch” it was unclear whether it was about your girlfriend or the female dog you were letting Scout fuck.

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