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You'll Always Be In My Heart, Genetically.

May 8, 2011 - From PoliticalSubversities.com

Dear Mom,

I am just writing this to let you know that you’ll always be in my heart, genetically.  Oh, 24 years ago, when you imparted half of my DNA upon me, I don’t know how to thank you for those strands – much like the dinosaurs of Jurassic Park thank Dr. Hammond for the DNA; I, too, shall run wild in this world until you have to leave on a helicopter - metaphorical or literal.

And the gifts!  Thank you so much for the gifts you’ve given me – 23 chromosomes.  I wouldn’t be myself without them.

I also wouldn’t be who I am without you acting on the hormonal love you felt from our bodies once being one, creating a bond that deemed it necessary to raise me for the subsequent 18 years. 

And most of all, thank you for the womb, Mom!

Happy Mother’s Day

Love,
Matt

Prophet Hears God, Has No Pen

April 24, 2011 - From PoliticalSubversities.com

Akron, OH.  While out last night breaking bread with others, area prophet Isaac Timbers heard the word of Almighty God speak to him, but had no pen to write down The Devine's words.  "I know I had a-  God damn it," a flustered and then suddenly embarrassed Timbers said while patting his jacket and pants.  "This always happens - does anyone have a - slow down for two seconds, will You?" shouted Timbers to the Holy Spirit descended upon him. By the time Timbers drove home and got to his computer, he decided he had better ideas and made up what God said.

'Eh, I Could Eat' Says Starving Woman in Sudan

April 24, 2011 - From PoliticalSubversities.com

Nikembe Kabyunda, a starving 43-year old widow currently living in the lowest rungs of society in Sudan, when asked by relief workers, "Are you hunrgry?" replied, "I could eat."  Explaing they'd have to take her to the local shelter, Kabyunda sighed and asked if there was anything more "around the corner."  Once there, relief workers laid out options for ms Kabyunda, including bread, fresh fruits and dairy products but Kabyunda responded with that "oh my god I don't even know - you pick" face.  When the workers explained that this may be her only full meal this month, Kabyunda complained that earlier she had a light lunch that totally topped her off.  "I just wish we made plans before just this minute and then id have planned my day.  Ugh this always happens."  Once Kabyunda left, relief workers agreed they were tired of her attitude and would not go out with her again unless she asked them.

Japan Rejoices as Nuclear Radiation Finally Kills Godzilla

April 21, 2011 - From PoliticalSubversities.com

Tokyo, Japan.  Hundreds of thousands of Japanese people came together today in a celebration - the first national celebration since March - to rejoice that after 67 years, the monster Godzilla has finally been killed by nuclear radiation leaking from the Fukushima Power Plant.  Many Japanese agree that although the earthquake that hit on March 11 was terrible, the means justify the end by killing the evolutionary oddity that has plagued their country.  "Rebuilding towns, roads and nuclear reactors is completely worth killing a monster that destorys all of downtown Tokyo every other week.  I'm actually excited to put on a HazMat suit and see that fucker passed out on the seabed," said Mayor of Fukushima, Takanori Seto.  Added the Mayor, "He killed my father."  Though the death toll continues to rise, you can feel the sense of accomplishment in every rescue worker's eye as they continue to clean up the 80 meter long behemoth.

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